Blind Leading the Blind
I haven’t written here in a while. There are a few reasons: I hit a saturation point with media and had to step away from a while. And another reason, my business has been busy and I’ve been spending a lot of my internet time actually working, when not worrying about working. How do you go from total social time wasting slacker to power-driven one woman web shop? You find something you actually give a shit about. Working on websites makes sense because this is how I see the world, most of the time.
And finally, the last point - how to write a blog on relationships and sex when you have almost zero interest in either? As the brilliant Liz in LA states, I’m not into dating because I’m not built for dissapointment. And that’s all I see dating as right now: complete and utter dissapointment. I realize that this attitude sets me up for failure, if you’re not open to it, then it won’t happen. If you immediately expect everyone to let you down, then they probably will. But, how to get out of that cycle?
What am I looking for anyway? I am not a Scary Sadshaw desperately looking for a husband to take me away to some suburb and my hot slut days are most defenitely behind me, at least not in the way that most people treat it, the way most people think that sex is either casual and heartless or has to be completely associated with “being in love”. This is the reason most people can’t do “friends with benefits”, any indication you have any kind of feelings for the person completely fucks it up. And why — why can’t you love someone, have sex with them but not be constricted to the traditional version of a relationship?
And that’s the next thing — I worked very hard after my breakup to build my own life. I started dating my ex when I had only lived here for a year, was barely 22, and my entire social life revolved around my then best friend and her friends, who were all wonderful people, but still: not my people, they were hers. Dating was my only way to meet people outside the circle. And so, Joe became my anchor and my history. When it was over, I needed to build something new and I did. Sure, I spent the first half of 2007 in a drunken stupor, but I have come out of that with some solid friends and some good experiences.
The point is, I’m not the 21 year old girl who is willing to let anyone into my head, my pants or my heart again so easily. It’s no longer about me fitting in with them, but them fitting in with me. I’m much more protective of my life now, because I have so much more to be protective of.
But still: I find myself missing being around you know, dudes. I miss the way they carry over 1,000 keys on their belt loops on their jeans. I miss asexual smelling soap. I miss covertly getting them into shit that is mostly straight girl and gay guy territory like Sex and The City or Project Runway. I miss hoodies under Dickies jackets and getting cigarettes lit for me. I miss concave boy hips and unmanicured nails and having a larger t-shirt collection from which to choose from.
There’s a lot of things to miss. I just need to find someone who is worth letting in.
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